Today I came to the conclusion that I know the worst place to sneeze. It is official the worst place to sneeze is when you are working as a monitor in a GCSE exam, the exam taking place in school gym with 70 people being very quiet.
I can think of something worse. Sneezing 3 times in a row. It sucked.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Kids - You gotta love em
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
* * * * * * * * * *
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * * * * * * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
* * * * * * * * * *
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * * * * * * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Friday, November 18, 2005
You won't believe me!
You may have noticed that I have been quite brown recently. I have the answer.
No I have not been using a sunbed. No I have not been lying in the sun. No I have not been using fake tan.
I was sitting in the house the other night watching TV and the stupid advertisements came on. I usually hate advertisements but this time it proved to be rather helpful.
On came an advertisement for a body lotion. And then it hit me. I have been using the same lotion. What I wasn't aware of was that it is called Boots Holiday Sun. Yes this lotion includes something that makes you seem like you are just back from holiday. I am not just back from holiday so therefore I should not be looking like I am just back from holiday.
Funny but sad. I thought that I had learnt my lesson until 4 nights later.
I decided that I wanted to wash my face. (Sometimes I do this) I went to the bathroom and filled the sink full of nice warm water. I looked around for some face wash as I didn't want to use regular soap. I looked at the cabinet and found one that said face on it. I grabbed it, opened the lid and put a healthy blob into the palm of my hand. I worked it into a rather great lather and applied it to my face. I then put my hands in the sink got them wet and continued to wash my face.
It was then that I realised that I had not used face wash but in fact i had used face moisturising lotion. The lotion and the water had created an oily paste and was sticking to my face. I struggled to turn on the tap but I struggled to do this as my hands were so slippy. I washed and washed and no matter how much water I used it wouldn't come off my hands. What was I going to do with my face? It was still thick with paste. Water wasn't going to work. I had to grab the towel and wipe it off. It took me quite a while to not only wash my face but to tidy up the bathroom with the oily, thick nasty paste that had seemed to end up everywhere.
The lesson I learnt this week. Fully read the labels on products that you use.
Jonathan Jordan - The Big Day
The wedding
So my brother is finally married. This was one of the main reasons that I came home from Canada (other than the fact that the government was demanding it). It was a great day and lots of fun was had by all.
Being the best man (obviously) I had the honour of looking after the groom, holding the rings and giving a speech to round off the day. I didn’t really have to look after the groom that much as he is a big boy and I trusted that he knew what he was doing.
With regards the ring I did not trust myself to hold them. I have pretty much lost everything that I own at least once. This was not the best day for this to happen. To help me I had the help of Andrew Gibson. He stood next to me and just before the minister asked for them he passed them to me in stealth like motion. Smooth. Nobody knew.
And the speech. Where do I start? We arrived at the reception and I had a few minutes to myself so I decided to get out my speech to have a quick read over it. I opened the page and I stared in disbelief. I hadn’t brought the speech with me. I had with me the behaviour report of the 12 year old boy that I look after in the School I work in. Oh Crap.
To be honest I wasn’t nervous at all. And when it came to the speech I just wung it. Nothing prepared, and to be honest I can’t remember much of what I said (and it wasn’t because of the wine) but it seemed to go down well. There was plenty of laughs and I think I passed the occasion. Being at Muskoka Woods as much as I have means that speaking in front of large groups is not a problem to me.
Below are some pics of the occasion.
So my brother is finally married. This was one of the main reasons that I came home from Canada (other than the fact that the government was demanding it). It was a great day and lots of fun was had by all.
Being the best man (obviously) I had the honour of looking after the groom, holding the rings and giving a speech to round off the day. I didn’t really have to look after the groom that much as he is a big boy and I trusted that he knew what he was doing.
With regards the ring I did not trust myself to hold them. I have pretty much lost everything that I own at least once. This was not the best day for this to happen. To help me I had the help of Andrew Gibson. He stood next to me and just before the minister asked for them he passed them to me in stealth like motion. Smooth. Nobody knew.
And the speech. Where do I start? We arrived at the reception and I had a few minutes to myself so I decided to get out my speech to have a quick read over it. I opened the page and I stared in disbelief. I hadn’t brought the speech with me. I had with me the behaviour report of the 12 year old boy that I look after in the School I work in. Oh Crap.
To be honest I wasn’t nervous at all. And when it came to the speech I just wung it. Nothing prepared, and to be honest I can’t remember much of what I said (and it wasn’t because of the wine) but it seemed to go down well. There was plenty of laughs and I think I passed the occasion. Being at Muskoka Woods as much as I have means that speaking in front of large groups is not a problem to me.
Below are some pics of the occasion.
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