Today I came to the conclusion that I know the worst place to sneeze. It is official the worst place to sneeze is when you are working as a monitor in a GCSE exam, the exam taking place in school gym with 70 people being very quiet.
I can think of something worse. Sneezing 3 times in a row. It sucked.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Kids - You gotta love em
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
* * * * * * * * * *
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * * * * * * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
* * * * * * * * * *
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
* * * * * * * * * *
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Friday, November 18, 2005
You won't believe me!
You may have noticed that I have been quite brown recently. I have the answer.
No I have not been using a sunbed. No I have not been lying in the sun. No I have not been using fake tan.
I was sitting in the house the other night watching TV and the stupid advertisements came on. I usually hate advertisements but this time it proved to be rather helpful.
On came an advertisement for a body lotion. And then it hit me. I have been using the same lotion. What I wasn't aware of was that it is called Boots Holiday Sun. Yes this lotion includes something that makes you seem like you are just back from holiday. I am not just back from holiday so therefore I should not be looking like I am just back from holiday.
Funny but sad. I thought that I had learnt my lesson until 4 nights later.
I decided that I wanted to wash my face. (Sometimes I do this) I went to the bathroom and filled the sink full of nice warm water. I looked around for some face wash as I didn't want to use regular soap. I looked at the cabinet and found one that said face on it. I grabbed it, opened the lid and put a healthy blob into the palm of my hand. I worked it into a rather great lather and applied it to my face. I then put my hands in the sink got them wet and continued to wash my face.
It was then that I realised that I had not used face wash but in fact i had used face moisturising lotion. The lotion and the water had created an oily paste and was sticking to my face. I struggled to turn on the tap but I struggled to do this as my hands were so slippy. I washed and washed and no matter how much water I used it wouldn't come off my hands. What was I going to do with my face? It was still thick with paste. Water wasn't going to work. I had to grab the towel and wipe it off. It took me quite a while to not only wash my face but to tidy up the bathroom with the oily, thick nasty paste that had seemed to end up everywhere.
The lesson I learnt this week. Fully read the labels on products that you use.
Jonathan Jordan - The Big Day
The wedding
So my brother is finally married. This was one of the main reasons that I came home from Canada (other than the fact that the government was demanding it). It was a great day and lots of fun was had by all.
Being the best man (obviously) I had the honour of looking after the groom, holding the rings and giving a speech to round off the day. I didn’t really have to look after the groom that much as he is a big boy and I trusted that he knew what he was doing.
With regards the ring I did not trust myself to hold them. I have pretty much lost everything that I own at least once. This was not the best day for this to happen. To help me I had the help of Andrew Gibson. He stood next to me and just before the minister asked for them he passed them to me in stealth like motion. Smooth. Nobody knew.
And the speech. Where do I start? We arrived at the reception and I had a few minutes to myself so I decided to get out my speech to have a quick read over it. I opened the page and I stared in disbelief. I hadn’t brought the speech with me. I had with me the behaviour report of the 12 year old boy that I look after in the School I work in. Oh Crap.
To be honest I wasn’t nervous at all. And when it came to the speech I just wung it. Nothing prepared, and to be honest I can’t remember much of what I said (and it wasn’t because of the wine) but it seemed to go down well. There was plenty of laughs and I think I passed the occasion. Being at Muskoka Woods as much as I have means that speaking in front of large groups is not a problem to me.
Below are some pics of the occasion.
So my brother is finally married. This was one of the main reasons that I came home from Canada (other than the fact that the government was demanding it). It was a great day and lots of fun was had by all.
Being the best man (obviously) I had the honour of looking after the groom, holding the rings and giving a speech to round off the day. I didn’t really have to look after the groom that much as he is a big boy and I trusted that he knew what he was doing.
With regards the ring I did not trust myself to hold them. I have pretty much lost everything that I own at least once. This was not the best day for this to happen. To help me I had the help of Andrew Gibson. He stood next to me and just before the minister asked for them he passed them to me in stealth like motion. Smooth. Nobody knew.
And the speech. Where do I start? We arrived at the reception and I had a few minutes to myself so I decided to get out my speech to have a quick read over it. I opened the page and I stared in disbelief. I hadn’t brought the speech with me. I had with me the behaviour report of the 12 year old boy that I look after in the School I work in. Oh Crap.
To be honest I wasn’t nervous at all. And when it came to the speech I just wung it. Nothing prepared, and to be honest I can’t remember much of what I said (and it wasn’t because of the wine) but it seemed to go down well. There was plenty of laughs and I think I passed the occasion. Being at Muskoka Woods as much as I have means that speaking in front of large groups is not a problem to me.
Below are some pics of the occasion.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Truths
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones
:::
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying
:::
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint -to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger
:::
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly
:::
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
:::
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush
:::
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee
:::
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
:::
You can't respect a man who carries a dog
:::
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
:::
:::
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
I NEED TO CONFESS
Father forgive me because I have sinned..... blah blah.....................
(This blog needs to be read in a hurried, unstable and emotional state)
I need to confess something that has been ripping me apart for many weeks now. If you scroll further down the blog you will see a picture of Niagara Falls. It is a fake.
The day we went to Niagara was late in the evening and it was raining pretty heavily. As we arrived to the falls it was difficult to see anything. We tried to take pictures but because it was so dark it was a non event.
While walking up the main street we went into the Harley Davison store. Hanging on the wall was this huge poster of Niagara Falls. It looked beautiful, too beautiful not to take a picture of. I looked around and no one was watching. I took out my camera, shaking i proceeded to find the perfect angle. The angle that needed to fool everyone. Then it happened 'click' the lies were stored. Then I pretended everyone that I took that actual picture. I am so sorry. I have deceived friends, family, enemies, even a nation. How can I be trusted again.
Please forgive me
(If you look closely at the picture you can see that there is a crease in the poster)
(This blog needs to be read in a hurried, unstable and emotional state)
I need to confess something that has been ripping me apart for many weeks now. If you scroll further down the blog you will see a picture of Niagara Falls. It is a fake.
The day we went to Niagara was late in the evening and it was raining pretty heavily. As we arrived to the falls it was difficult to see anything. We tried to take pictures but because it was so dark it was a non event.
While walking up the main street we went into the Harley Davison store. Hanging on the wall was this huge poster of Niagara Falls. It looked beautiful, too beautiful not to take a picture of. I looked around and no one was watching. I took out my camera, shaking i proceeded to find the perfect angle. The angle that needed to fool everyone. Then it happened 'click' the lies were stored. Then I pretended everyone that I took that actual picture. I am so sorry. I have deceived friends, family, enemies, even a nation. How can I be trusted again.
Please forgive me
(If you look closely at the picture you can see that there is a crease in the poster)
Injured
Right hand, index finger strain and bruising is the diagnosis of my injury. It all began when I arrived home and my sister wanted me to challenge me to a game on the Xbox. This was well and good and I did actually believe that I could beat her. Unfortunately that wasn't to be the case. It was obvious that she has wasted many hours playing a game as I was completely thrashed. Now thinking about it I think the word thrashed is kind. It wasn't even fair.
I pretended that I wasn't frustrated and that I didn't care what the game was like time to move on to a driving game. I could beat her in a driving game. I really did believe that. I acted confident as I selected my car, customised it so it looked as sexy as a car can look and off we went for the countdown. What I didn't know was that as well as Halo (the fighting game) she has wasted many hours on this game. The problem that I came across started when the race begun. It was obvious that her car was modified beyond belief and I wasn't going to be able to compete.
I looked at the calendar and smiled as I said a Yes!! Inside myself.
I said it inside as I didn't want anyone to know. The day was Tuesday, Ruth would be leaving for most of the night and I would be home alone with the Xbox. So I sat for easily 4 hours straight playing the racing game, competing, modifying, winning levels and gaining a large bank account in which I could customise my car.
I couldn't help but smile when Ruth walked in the room later that evening. I was confident that I would kill her in the race. We sat down, took our positions, watched the clock count down and off we went.
She destroyed me in that game. I went to bed pretending that I didn't care, that I wasn’t frustrated and that I enjoyed the fun of competing. BS
Resulting from that pride filled, jealous, unhealthy competitive nature experience was one really sore finger. On the game you have to accelerate with your index finger. Sitting for easily 6 hours that day straining my finger has left it extremely sore.
I think I learnt my lesson that day.............. Get tape and tape down the button.
Right hand, index finger strain and bruising is the diagnosis of my injury.
I have to change my nose picking finger
I pretended that I wasn't frustrated and that I didn't care what the game was like time to move on to a driving game. I could beat her in a driving game. I really did believe that. I acted confident as I selected my car, customised it so it looked as sexy as a car can look and off we went for the countdown. What I didn't know was that as well as Halo (the fighting game) she has wasted many hours on this game. The problem that I came across started when the race begun. It was obvious that her car was modified beyond belief and I wasn't going to be able to compete.
I looked at the calendar and smiled as I said a Yes!! Inside myself.
I said it inside as I didn't want anyone to know. The day was Tuesday, Ruth would be leaving for most of the night and I would be home alone with the Xbox. So I sat for easily 4 hours straight playing the racing game, competing, modifying, winning levels and gaining a large bank account in which I could customise my car.
I couldn't help but smile when Ruth walked in the room later that evening. I was confident that I would kill her in the race. We sat down, took our positions, watched the clock count down and off we went.
She destroyed me in that game. I went to bed pretending that I didn't care, that I wasn’t frustrated and that I enjoyed the fun of competing. BS
Resulting from that pride filled, jealous, unhealthy competitive nature experience was one really sore finger. On the game you have to accelerate with your index finger. Sitting for easily 6 hours that day straining my finger has left it extremely sore.
I think I learnt my lesson that day.............. Get tape and tape down the button.
Right hand, index finger strain and bruising is the diagnosis of my injury.
I have to change my nose picking finger
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Laughing while i Vomit
I haven't thrown up in quite some time but last night was an experience that i don't want to go through again.
Being the jolly good chap that I am I told Chris and Erika that I would take the dog out to the back garden to pee as Erika was tired and Chris didn't feel well. I grab the lead and attach it to Boston's collar and out we go. (lead is needed as you spend 15 mins trying to get him out from below the shed in the dark - not so much fun) Boston runs down the steps and starts to inhale the rest of Kody's dinner (Kody is the other dog - don't worry they only have 2)
He finally finishes and he goes over to the grass to do his number one's, number two's would come later as I would find out.
I was coming out of the Bathroom after brushing my teeth I turned the corner to walk into my room and i was about to step down I noticed Boston in mid motion of taking a crap on the floor. I stopped my forward motion because I could see that were I was headed was right on top of his first little present of the night. I shouted at Boston to follow me as I took him downstairs where there was no carpet. Oh, but by the time he got downstairs he had finished his buisness. Convenient.....
Armed with some spray and a load of cloth I headed up to my room to attack the objects that he had so kindly left for me. I hate doing things like this because when it comes to items that come out of either end I really struggle to keep my stomach together. I had no longer started to clean up than the dry heaving started. Then the dry heaving turned a little more serious and found myself over the loo and I was no longer dry heaving, this was the real deal.
(i realise that this is probably gross, thank you for being patient)
After a few minutes I went back and finished the process with loo roll stuck up both my nostreals and my t-shirt covering my mouth.
Downstairs I headed to turn the lights out only to find Boston barfing in the middle of the living room. Oh crap the 'not dry heaving' started. Back up stair for another few minutes knowing that I still had to clean it up.
This was a pretty gross night. I left Erika a note to tread carefully around the house and let her know about the incidents that happened. But of course Boston was finshed. What joy what animals are.
I went to bed and put a baracade so that the dog wouldn't be able to come up. Ha ha. I am smarter than animals.
Being the jolly good chap that I am I told Chris and Erika that I would take the dog out to the back garden to pee as Erika was tired and Chris didn't feel well. I grab the lead and attach it to Boston's collar and out we go. (lead is needed as you spend 15 mins trying to get him out from below the shed in the dark - not so much fun) Boston runs down the steps and starts to inhale the rest of Kody's dinner (Kody is the other dog - don't worry they only have 2)
He finally finishes and he goes over to the grass to do his number one's, number two's would come later as I would find out.
I was coming out of the Bathroom after brushing my teeth I turned the corner to walk into my room and i was about to step down I noticed Boston in mid motion of taking a crap on the floor. I stopped my forward motion because I could see that were I was headed was right on top of his first little present of the night. I shouted at Boston to follow me as I took him downstairs where there was no carpet. Oh, but by the time he got downstairs he had finished his buisness. Convenient.....
Armed with some spray and a load of cloth I headed up to my room to attack the objects that he had so kindly left for me. I hate doing things like this because when it comes to items that come out of either end I really struggle to keep my stomach together. I had no longer started to clean up than the dry heaving started. Then the dry heaving turned a little more serious and found myself over the loo and I was no longer dry heaving, this was the real deal.
(i realise that this is probably gross, thank you for being patient)
After a few minutes I went back and finished the process with loo roll stuck up both my nostreals and my t-shirt covering my mouth.
Downstairs I headed to turn the lights out only to find Boston barfing in the middle of the living room. Oh crap the 'not dry heaving' started. Back up stair for another few minutes knowing that I still had to clean it up.
This was a pretty gross night. I left Erika a note to tread carefully around the house and let her know about the incidents that happened. But of course Boston was finshed. What joy what animals are.
I went to bed and put a baracade so that the dog wouldn't be able to come up. Ha ha. I am smarter than animals.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Niagara Falls
It was Friday afternoon when we decided that we should head to see Niagara Falls. Matt was heading back to New Zealand and we decided to let him see the famous falls. The weather was crap and the traffic was horrific but we arrived eventually.
We saw the falls, took some pictures and then we went to a Karaoke bar and listened to some people try and sing. If you closed your eyes you could be convinced that someone was being strangled on stage. It was bad.
You will notice from the picture that we are having a beer. Jono went to the toilet so we thought it would be funny to order him one of the small bottles. Oh we are funny. You will see that I am having a Canadian. This would not usually be my choice but I will tell you the selection that I had to choose from. Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Miller, Miller Light, The Small Bottle (still funny) and Canadian.
We saw the falls, took some pictures and then we went to a Karaoke bar and listened to some people try and sing. If you closed your eyes you could be convinced that someone was being strangled on stage. It was bad.
You will notice from the picture that we are having a beer. Jono went to the toilet so we thought it would be funny to order him one of the small bottles. Oh we are funny. You will see that I am having a Canadian. This would not usually be my choice but I will tell you the selection that I had to choose from. Bud, Bud Light, Coors, Coors Light, Miller, Miller Light, The Small Bottle (still funny) and Canadian.
I make no apologies.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
